Anderson Silva: Make-A-Wish Champion?

Dana White is known for being extremely gracious and accommodating to fans, even as busy as the man is. He will go well out of his way to take care of the people who come to him pleading their case. If he can make something happen, and your story is compelling enough, he will make it so.

Today, White confirmed what many have long been whispering about: Anderson Silva’s championship, indeed his whole career (commercials, endorsements, media coverage) is all the result of a mistaken Make-A-Wish campaign: “Look, when Anderson came to us, we thought he was a sweet guy. His mom said this was his wish, and he wanted us to call him “The Spider.” I looked at the bald, too-skinny kid and said, OK, we can do this.”

Everybody In On It
Before Silva was brought into the UFC, White held  meeting with his roster of fighters, many of whom Skyped in from their various training camps, and he laid down the law. There was to be no beating Silva. White allegedly said “Try to make it look believable, but honestly, I don’t care if you need to run in and he clips you with a jab—go down.”

“Meanwhile, we set up ‘training camps’ for Anderson but really had him doing little more than punching bags, jumping rope, skipping and rolling around on the ground, practicing ‘jui jitsu’… I think the first few days, he was calling it ‘juice jistu’—it was adorable.”

“We even got his favorite actor, Steven Seagal to ‘train’ him.”

The only fighter not a part of that original conference call: Chael Sonnen.

“Sh!t. I forgot that Chael wasn’t in on that call. He was off running for office or holding an open house or something. When he fought Anderson, it wasn’t until the middle of the first round, I realized ‘he doesn’t know! He’s going to beat Silva!’ and had to do something,” White said backstage at the UFC 148 weigh-in. Between each round, Sonnen was given coded instructions to let Silva win. “It took several rounds to get the message to him, but he finally got it.”

Now, with their rematch mere hours away, Dana White is relieved. “At first, I thought, ‘wow, this kid is fluid. He must’ve been a dancer or something.’ but just in the last few months, I learned he’s had fights before coming to us, and he lost some of those. Hopefully, he’s gained enough experience in his ‘training camps’ and time in The Octagon™ to put up a decent fight against Chael this time. because Chael’s off-the-reservation and understandably mad that he lost the last time.”

“Oh, and, for the record, Silva’s fine. He wants his head shaved like that,” said White just before the elevator doors closed.


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That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…


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