BJ Penn: Secret Training in Hawaii Key to Diaz Strategy

In what might’ve seemed like an odd turn of events, BJ Penn opted to train the last three weeks of camp before his fight with Nick Diaz Saturday at UFC 137 in his home state of Hawai’i, instead of his initial plan to train at RVCA for nine weeks straight. In his video, Penn gave the reasons you’d expect: He was comfortable there, the Hawaiian spirits make him stronger and Hawai’i is beautiful.

But we here at MMA Rants Today have discovered the true reason, and in an exclusive interview with BJ Penn’s sparring partner, Brandon Thatch, we can now reveal that BJ Penn returned to Hawai’i to train in order to master a new style of fighting (for Penn): Hawaiian Squirrel-Style.

From a scratchy connection across the ocean, Thatch reveals all:

“BJ was supposed to spar with Duane Ludwig, but decided to use me instead. I wasn’t sure exactly why until we got to Hawai’i. There, Penn’s trainers had several dozen cages, each one with a fighting squirrel in them. I wasn’t supposed to see the squirrels in action, but one day as I was leaving the facility, I remembered that I left my pineapple spear in the dressing room and when I went back in I saw something I will never forget: BJ Penn in the ring with four squirrels surrounding him. The squirrels were facing off against each other, and BJ was watching the matches intensely, mimicking the movement of the squirrels. When one would jump, BJ would watch how it flew in the air and landed, and he would do the same to a training dummy. It was pretty intense. I had to get outta there before anyone saw me.”

“The next day, when we were sparring, between ’rounds’ they come to me and say, “Brandon, Brah, how do you feel about going full speed? Nothing held back?” Well, anyone who knows me knows I live for this sort of thing. I mean, I get to face BJ Penn at full speed? Count me in!”

“So we’re circling, and I’ve been watching Nick Diaz tapes, so I’m getting into BJ’s face and showing him no respect. “Don’t be scared, homie” I say, real loud, because Nick says that a lot I think… Anyway, I’m standing there and throw my arms out by my side like “what’s up? come on” just like Diaz and that’s when it happened: I can’t really describe it but it was like BJ came flying out of nowhere and just locked onto me, while I was standing there!”

“Next thing I know, he’s got a flying triangle and I tap. We go again: flying arm bar. It’s amazing. His stance at first looks like he’s curious, his head kinda twitches and tilts from side to side, but then he sees the opening and he closes so fast through the air! There’s no defense against it!”

So there you have it, people: Flying Squirrel-Style.

BJ Penn and Squirrel

My prediction for Penn-Diaz: BJ Penn by Flying Submission (probably triangle, but possibly arm-bar). Think about it: it makes sense. Penn can’t stand and bang with Diaz, Diaz is too good. And Diaz is a serious threat on the ground. What’s the one thing Diaz would never suspect out of Penn? Flight.

Sure, you could disregard this, but keep one thing in mind: my last prediction (Jon Jones will break a bone on Rampage Jackson’s battle-hardened skeleton) resulted in Jones on medical suspension…

 

 

*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…