Chael Sonnen… Author
Love him or hate him, Chael Sonnen is intelligent, and funny. You may not like the ‘character’ he portrays, you may think it’s too ‘real’, he’s a racist, a d!ck or worse, and you may be correct in all those assumptions, or you may be totally off. What I can say is this, he knows how to structure a joke and promote himself endlessly. It may be good for the sport, or terrible for the sport, it’s too early to tell. He has become renown, which has given him opportunities previously unavailable to him, like more sponsorships and a book deal.
Yup, Mr. Sonnen got himself a book deal, much like Forrest Griffin, Matt Hughes, BJ Penn, only he got his because of his antics outside of the cage not because of his fighting inside. Which makes sense when you look at the type of book he has written, it’s a self help book of sorts, I’ll Chael explain it.
Presence. Tenacity. Insight. Omniscience. No need to look these words up. They are defined by yours truly. Who am I? I’m the one who needs no introduction, the walking thesaurus, the UFC’s most infamous and feared destroyer of men. I am Chael P. Sonnen, and you want to be just like me.
It’s your lucky day. What you are holding in your hands is nothing short of a V.I.P pass to enlightenment. In the coming pages my humor and tales of heroic adventure will baptize you in superhuman greatness. Allow me to carry you like a frail damsel as I make a nightmarish decent into the bowels of Sao Paulo. Sit before me as a student as I teach you about my plans of creating a Chaelocracy, which translates to “A Better Earth.” Shower me with praise as I take you into my manly mitts like a lump of seemingly worthless clay and craft you into something far better than yourself—me.
Like all great men of myth and legend, I strive for the betterment of the human race. Prometheus brought us fire; Dana White brought us the modern day gladiator; and I bring you a step-by-step guide to being just like me. Do you have what it takes? Is there truly a chance that one day you will be able to walk in my shoes? Purchase this book and find out. There is no better day to stop being you and start trying to be me.
You’re welcome civilization.
Not convinced? Here is some addition information you will glean from The Voice of Reason:
• Why Dance Dance Revolution is the national fighting style of Brazil.
• How vegans are ruining themselves and the world.
• Why you should never feed carrots to a school bus.
• Why you don’t need an athlete to be your hero.
• How fighters and fashion models have the exact same job.
• Why Republicans are more compassionate, pioneering, rebellious, and generally cooler than any liberal.
Inside this book I offer you my knowledge of physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology. Unless you are currently standing in the checkout line or speeding home, wanting to save my brilliance for when you are curled up in a recliner sipping on some tea, you have already failed at becoming something similar to me. Chael P. Sonnen knows what he wants and buys it. He doesn’t need a dust jacket to tell him a book is good. He can feel it.
Rumble young man Rumble