Dana White Says ‘Winner of Shamrock vs. Toney gets UFC Contract’
Dana White at the Parkinsons Center today had some things to say about the upcoming Shamrock vs. Toney bout scheduled for later this year. After praising Ken’s performance on The Ultimate Fighter, he said:
“If Ken Shamrock defeats James Toney, I’ll give him his F23king job back.”
Dana followed that jaw dropping statement with:
“If James Toney defeats Ken Shamrock, I will give James Toney his F23King job back.”
When pressed, Dana said:
“Look, the UFC gyms aren’t doing so hot, sh1t. As you may have noticed. We’ve only opened like…3, is that right? Seriously? Yeah, 3 whole gyms in something like 4 or 5 years now. We really need some F23King publicity, and what better way than to have James Toney or Ken Shamrock in the parking lot spinning a sign?”
Gesturing to a visibly confused journalist in the audience:
“Hey, you, yeah, you, the one I’m F23King pointing at. You’d go to the UFC gym if you saw one of these two spinning a sign on the corner right? See, my point is proven.”
While the bewildered journalist never actually confirmed Dana White’s statement, Dana continued. When asked how long he thought either fighter would hold the sign spinner job, Dana White told the crowd:
“Well, once they have proven themselves as reliable, meaning they can spin the sign in 3 full 360 degree rotations without dropping it, then we will talk about a promotion.”
When pressed about what a ‘promotion’ would mean, he had this to say.
“Look, it’s all about utilizing a man’s strengths. What are Ken and James’ strengths? Based upon this current fight, taking F23King punishment. Which is why we will be the only gym with live punching bags. You heard it here, live punching bags. We will dress up Ken or James, hell, I’ll hire them both as long as no one dies in the cage. We will dress them up in Official UFC heavy bags, hang them from the ceiling and let you, the most important part of the UFC; the fan, enjoy something only Tito Ortiz, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture and a slew of professional boxers have, up until now only had the pleasure of: Punching Ken Shamrock and James Toney!”
It looks like the stakes have just been raised, if both Ken Shamrock and James Toney can survive their planned bout, they are guaranteed jobs with the illustrious UFC.
*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…