NFL Season Back On, UFC Plans Changing…

Good news for football fans: The NFL is back on!

Bad news for Dana White: The NFL is back on.

And I’m not talking about the NFL taking over men’s consciousness in the place of MMA, although there is certainly that. Poker, for example, took off in popularity when Hockey players went on strike, and there was thought that a year without a football season would bring greater recognition to MMA, as men turned to UFC, Bellator and Strikeforce for their testosterone fix… Last weekend’s Bellator ratings would bear this out, having one of their more successful events on MTV2.

No, this is about how the NFL changed the plans Dana White had for the UFC…

“I’m a football fan, so part of me is happy, but, man, I had such plans for the UFC in a year without the NFL…” said Dana White from his Las Vegas home, “I mean, we’re on the cusp of greatness… not just our PPV returns, our event attendance, our general popularity, but our acceptance with non-fans. The housewives and the business community. We were making inroads to church groups, even. A year without the NFL would have been tremendous.”

“Not to mention my plans for our brand,” Dana said with a smile, “I was on the verge of making some big changes.”

So, what changes would a year without the NFL bring to the UFC?

“Three things: 1. Events on Sunday afternoons. Without the NFL, men are gonna hunger for action on Sundays, and we’d be there to move in and take over. To make this happen, you’d see more events that would be fighters from one ‘team’ like AKA vs fighters from another ‘team’ like ATT. This alone would have been huge, but wait until you hear what was next!”

“2. Team names. Who the f23k knows what American Top Team means? They’re good guys, but, come on, no one cares! Now, The Steelers, everybody knows. So we’d take on the names of the best NFL teams: The Steelers, The Cowboys… whatever. Imagine the Raiders vs. the Steelers… and they actually fight each other! Tremendous!”

“3. Uniforms. Now, I”m not talking about removing all the sponsor logos on the shorts, or the banner that gets held up as the fighters are introduced, but how about football-style jerseys worn on entrance, maybe helmets even, logos blazing on the sides! It would be great!”

“I know these are radical changes, and some guys are gonna cry about it. But hey, I gave them healthcare, they can give back. It’s about building the brand!”

And now that the NFL’s back?

“Tough luck on our part. We already had some of the uniforms made… We’ll hold onto ’em. If this NFL deal isn’t long-term, we’ll be around… waiting.”


Looks like the UFC fighters just dodged a bullet!



*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…