Shark Fights 18: Horwich vs. Porpoise
After his loss to Jake Rosholt, Matt Horwich found himself… bewildered.
“I wasn’t sure what the next step would be,” said the puzzling fighter, “I mean, I guess I could ask for the rubber match… but I wanted something different. I’ve always been a dolphin guy, and porpoises are always trying to horn in on dolphin territory… as I surfed the Multiverse, it became clear: I must fight a porpoise.”
“The more I meditated on it, the more sense it made. Fuck Porpoises! They need to be put in their place!”
This is surprisingly harsh language from the usually pensive Horwich.
“I try to be in tune with nature; at peace with every living being, even the ones I’m trying to beat senseless or choke out or expose a weakness in their anatomy that causes pain so that I can force them to submit to me in a totally voluntary fight in an artificial environment in front of people I don’t know who have no stake in the outcome whatsoever… but in this case… what was I saying?”
Horwich then proceeded to do 100 push-ups.
“So, yeah. Porpoises: your time is up. Let’s do this!”
Trainer Eddie Bravo had this to say about Horwich: “He’s an interesting dude. He outworks everyone, all the time. He’s always looking to break limits. Test himself. I’ve already come up with 10 crazy submissions nobody’s ever tried on a porpoise before. It should be a good fight.”
Bravo added, “Normally, we train cardio about 30 percent of the time. For this camp, we’ve been working lung capacity about 80 percent. It’s about adapting to your opponent’s strengths.”
“Also, we’ve got him training with one of his ‘dolphin friends,’ so that has been really helpful.”
Horwich faced-off against his porpoise opponent off the California coast on Thursday. The porpoise was tagged to ensure he fights the right one. “Having a face-off in the ocean was pretty cool,” said Horwich, “I thought the splashing was over the line, though.”
When asked the obvious question: how does he feel about fighting a porpoise in a promotion named after a Shark, Matt responds, “you know what? I never thought about that. Hmmm…” and wanders off to surf the Multiverse…
Shark Fights 18 is set for October 24th in the old Marineland Aquatic Park location in Palos Verdes, California.
*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…