TUF 14 Finale: If I ruled the universe results

For the actual results, see this post. Now, in my universe a few things would have been different. See below for how it would have gone if I ruled the universe.

Preliminary card (Facebook)

  • Featherweight bout: United States Bryan Caraway vs. United States Dustin Neace
    Bryan Caraway  won, same way, same time. Not injuring his hand in the process, meaing he is ready to face Diego Brandao in a rematch at the next UFC. After the fight he got into a heated argument with then girlfriend Miesha Tate, leading her to commiserate online. During her twitter tirade about Bryan, she struck up a conversation with Anthony Dominguez (the Editor in Chief around these here parts) ending with a late night rendezvous  that would make the owner of Vivid Videos blush.
  • Featherweight bout: United States Steven Siler vs. United States Josh Clopton
    Siler defeated Clopton by KO. At the midway point of the 3rd round, Sub Zero (from Mortal Kombat) appeared in the ring, looked at Siler and calmly stated ‘Finish Him’. Siler proceeded to apply the plum clinch, ending the fight by kneeing Clopton’s head into the media row.
  • Bantamweight bout: Canada Roland Delorme vs. United States Josh Ferguson
    Josh Ferguson came out slow, then exploded with a jumping uppercut, KO’ing Delorme in spectacular fashion. Delorme was airborne for so long, Ferguson’s brother had time to enter the ring and put on Josh’s signature cowboy hat before Delorme landed.
  • Bantamweight bout: United States Dustin Pague vs. United States John Albert
    Albert defeated Pague via TKO (punches) at 1:09 of round 1.
  • Featherweight bout: United States Marcus Brimage vs. United States Stephen Bass
    Brimage defeated Bass via unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 29-28)

Main card

  • Bantamweight bout: United States Louis Gaudinot vs. United States Johnny Bedford
    Bedford defeated Gaudinot via TKO (knees to the body) at 1:58 of round 3. At the end of the fight, Louis grabbed the mic and told the MMA Media to F23K themselves for the way they portrayed his loss on twitter. At the MMA Rants Today offices, the staff shed a tear of joy.
  • Lightweight bout: United States Tony Ferguson vs. The Bahamas Yves Edwards
    This fight didn’t happen. All in attendance agreed with me, we decided it should be fought at the next UFC, the universe collectively agreed to forget we saw the fight or the outcome. Both fighters guaranteed a judge-less outcome for the next bout.
  • Bantamweight bout: United States T.J. Dillashaw vs. United States John Dodson
    Dodson defeated Dillashaw via TKO (punches) at 1:54 of round 1.
  • Featherweight bout: Brazil Diego Brandao vs. United States Dennis Bermudez
    Dennis Bermudez came out strong, landed some big shots putting Diego on his back. He narrowly escaped a rolling armbar, finishing the round on top. At the 2:00 mark of round 2 Bermudez landed an overhand right from his home town, KO’ing Diego and becoming the TUF 14 Featherweight winner. During his post fight speech, he was interrupted by the Nobel committee confirming his winning entry into this years event. Proving once and for all, you can’t judge a book by clever editing.
  • Middleweight bout: England Michael Bisping vs. United States Jason Miller
    The fight started out even, with both fighters trading shots, Bisping was albe to stuff the takedown. The second, third and 4th rounds were much the same as the 1st. The 5th round saw an invigorated Mayhem come out swinging, causing Bisping to get on his bicycle. While avoiding the barrage of punches, Bisping forgot abouth the takedown, Mayhem capitalized, securing a RNC at the 3:36 mark of round 5. Dana White entered the cage, congratulated both men and offered Mayhem a #1 contendor fight.
In my universe, things go a bit differently. That’s why its my universe.

That’s it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover…Editor in Chief

Rumble young man Rumble

*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…