UFC 141Results: If I ruled the Universe

UFC 141 will go down in history. If Brock Lesnar stays retires. In my universe, Brock never retired. He dies in the cage, surrounded by the bodies of HW’s he’s defeated in his 35 year MMA career. 10 of those years spent as the HW Champion, followed by the Champion of the Universe for the remaining 20. UFC 141 was a fun event with some great stories and results. In my universe a few other bouts ended differently. See below, Enjoy.

Preliminary card (Facebook)

  • Featherweight bout: Armenia Manvel Gamburyan vs. Brazil Diego Nunes
    Manny Gamburyan defeated Diego Nunes by thundering right hook 3 minutes and 45 seconds into the 2nd round. After being dominated for the 1st round, Manny dug deep and let his hands fly for the entire 2nd round until the right hook ended Nunes night.
  • Lightweight bout: United States Jacob Volkmann vs. Mexico Efrain Escudero
    Efrain Escudero was declared the winner due to Volkmann No-Showing their scheduled bout. Volkmann was last seen walking from his locker room towards the cage. Many spectators reported vaguely remembering 1 or possibly 2 men in dark suits, wearing glasses and holding pens heading towards Volkmann. President Obamma declined to comment on the disappearance.
  • Lightweight bout: Nigeria Anthony Njokuani vs. United States Danny Castillo
    Njokuani came out possessed, One Kick Nick told him he would face him in the cage at the Las Vegas Gym that bears his name. Anthony, not wanting to be anywhere near a cage with an angry One Kick Nick, rushed Castillo, delivered a head kick followed by a roundhouse kick, knocking Castillo out cold and subsequently the ref who was in the way of Castillo’s lifeless body as it hurtled across the cage.

Main card

  • Featherweight bout: United States Nam Phan vs. United States Jimy Hettes
    Nam Phan and Jimmy Hettes put on the exact same fight, only it lasted for 5 rounds, leading to the same outcome. Jimmy Hettes by decision.
  • Light Heavyweight bout: Belarus Vladimir Matyushenko vs. Sweden Alexander Gustafsson
    This fight was perfect. Gustafsson defeated Matyushenko via TKO (punches) at 2:35 of round 1.
  • Welterweight bout: United States Jon Fitch vs. United States Johny Hendricks
    Hendricks defeated Fitch via KO (punch) at 0:12 of round 1. This fight was perfect. The only difference was, at the behest of certain owners, Hendricks and Fitch re-created the entire fight, for 20 minutes, complete with the actual KO. Fitch never fought again due to concussion issues.
  • Lightweight bout: United States Nate Diaz vs. United States Donald Cerrone
    Diaz defeated Cerrone via unanimous decision (30–27, 30–27, 29–28). Diaz’s performance leads to Diaz getting a title shot. Both Nick and Nate become UFC Champions until their retirement.
  • Heavyweight bout: United States Brock Lesnar vs. Netherlands Alistair Overeem
    Lesnar came out slow, circling Overeem. Overeem caught Lesnar in a Muay Thai clinch, delivered several vicious knees to Lesnar’s head, dropping him, Lesnar pulled guard, Overeem rushed in for the GnP hoping for a quick stoppage. Lesnar was able to last the round to the crowd’s amazement. The 2nd,3rd and 4th rounds were much of the same. The 5th was much, much different. Lesnar came out a new man. Stalking Overeem, landing shots at will and finally ending the fight at the 3 minute mark of the 5th with a head kick. Overeem crumpled, Dana White passed out and the crowd went crazy. Lesnar drank a beer and mounted his wife right in the cage as a celebration.

That’s It!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover…Editor in Chief

Rumble young man Rumble

*NOTE: Reality is overrated. This is much more fun. You just read WHAT?!
That’s right: THIS IS SATIRE. RELAX. Your world can go back to normal now…