War Machine’s Jail Blogs Season 2 Episode 4
War Machine (AKA Jon Koppenhaver) is back in jail for a 3 year old assault charge and just like his stint last year, he’s blogging from jail. We will be posting War Machine’s blogs with commentary in green. We wish him the best and poke fun with only good intentions.
WM Jail Blog Season 2 Episode 4
Man! There’s this one crazy obnoxious lil’ black guy in here that yells and screams for hours at a time. Periodically, he’ll stop and say, “If you want me to stop all you gotta do is give me a soup!” LMAO! Dudes actually do it and that’s the biggest problem. Shit, sometimes the cops will give him food just so he’ll shut up. They are encouraging that shit, big time. Reminds me of a time my wife and I went to Sea World and bought a lil’ tray of fish to feed the seals. There were so many seals trying, hoping you’d throw it to them. Some of them developed tricks to gain your attention and ultimately get the fish. I remember one such seal that would raise his one flipper and wave it like a hand. Sometimes he would strike wacky poses. Somehow he figured out a way to get fed while the majority of them just barked at you and stared like puppies. Anyway, I just brought it up because he just walked by my room and started begging for snacks ’cause he’s seen that I had a commissary bag next to my bed. I told that mother fucker, “Hell no!” Fuck him, I don’t even mind when he yells and screams, I actually like listening to people in here go crazy. Weird right? In jail, nothing is weird. Keep your sanity however you can.
I’unno, I guess it’s just a sort of entertainment. Plus, there’s this old black guy in here, 60 or so, who I like, and this lil’ idiot loud guy always talks shit to him. One day that old guy was talking to someone about the fluoride in the water, chem trails in the sky, and all the other poisons we are suffering from at the hands of the government to 1. kill us 2. leave us infertile. So anyway, I called him over that day, and now we talk when we can. We are on the same page on a lot of stuff, plus he’s smart, old, and mellow. All the young guys talk about is their crimes, drugs, and dumb shit. FUCKKK! Just got mail and I am not eligible for house arrest. Fucking irritating. Got denied because of some stupid resisting arrest charge from 2002. 10 years ago! I haven’t “resisted arrest” since. Fuck. No shortcut to good food and pussy! Man, I can’t wait until this shit is over! The only change of pace would be if I became a worker. Not sure if I want to be a SLAVE though. What’s the benefit? I don’t know, need to investigate. If I was in the kitchen, obviously extra food. Any other assignment just means less sleep & less reading. As a worker, I’d prolly be able to find somewhere to do pull-ups though, and get to see/feel the sun… Hmmm. I dunno, we shall see.
Just asked a worker at lunch if they get any extra “good time.” He says they get a month extra! I’m gonna see if it’s true and if so, I’ll apply. I’ll go ahead and be a slave if it means getting out September instead of Oct., fuck it.
You know what drives me crazy in here? There’s no clock anywhere. In S.D. there was a clock out in the dayroom on the wall, you could peek out your window and see it. I never know what time it is, drives me crazy! I know we get fed show at 4AM, 10AM, and 4PM, and that’s it. All I’ve been doing since I’ve got here is read and sleep. I’d sleep 18 hours/day if I could. I just want release day to get here ASAP. I haven’t been exercising at all. 1. I feel like shit, depression wise. 2. I’m letting some nagging injuries heal. I hurt my wrist and ankle a few weeks before the Huerta fight and they never got a chance to heal ’cause I kept training. I think the wrist deal is a small fracture, 6 weeks of rest should heal it up. Man, I’m hurting inside real bad tonight, I have so much anger, hate, pain, and confusion inside. And I’m helpless, I’m locked in this box…
I wanna talk to someone, one of my friends, I feel really alone right now. Fuck man, I never cried for shit my last year, and this time it seems I’m always mustering up all I have inside, all my strength, to stop the tears from falling. I’m just so fucking discouraged. Just when I was about to get back on my feet, I got blind-sided by this bullshit. I’m gonna get out again, no money, out of shape, skills rusted, and this time with no wife, nothing. Start from scratch again. It was hard last time, but I had support and I was strong and confident that the B.S. was over, I thought I had a clean slate and I was motivated. Right now I feel really self-destructive, my spirit is weak this time around. I have never understood the idea of “cutting.” You know those people who cut into their arms all the time? Right now I want to cut into my fucking face. I’ve been beating on it with my fists, and it helps relieve some of the pain I feel, but I really wish I could cut it. This paragraph scares us. Seriously, no joking.
I remember watching a documentary about @MikeTyson and listening to him describe why he got his face tattoos and him saying that he hates himself, hates to see himself. Right now, I feel that way. I fucking hate myself. That’s prolly another reason why I’m a bad husband or b/f, also why I hate receiving gifts and avoid holidays… because I fucking hate myself so much and I hate to have someone care about me. I love to care about people though, I want to die for them, those I care for. I wish I could die saving them, so then they could know how much I love them. That’s why I am the best friend – if I have one quality, it is that. Like a Spartan that prays he can die in battle, I wish I could die for those I love. I fucking hate my life. I shouldn’t be alive, I should have died at birth, but the fucking doctor saved me. I’d rather have choked to death on my umbilical cord. Technology/medicine/doctors, they made me live when I shouldn’t have, that’s why my life is fucked, why I don’t fit, I wasn’t supposed to be. Mike Tyson rules.
I feel better today, but I guess that’s how this year in jail’s gonna be, an emotional roller coaster. Part of me wants to erase what I wrote last night, it’s embarrassing to show my weaknesses, but fuck it, I won’t. And that’s what separate me from the other athletes, from other people in the spotlight, I’m not afraid to be human. I don’t want to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I want people to be able to relate to me, to see my troubles and be able to compare themselves to me. Maybe my struggles can help someone else in a similar situation. I’m not a faker, I hate liars, hate phonies. Right now, I’m in a struggle, but I’m gonna win. I’m gonna take all of this and bottle it up, rage on it, and unleash it upon my release. Train harder, fight meaner, and let my success be a giant FUCK YOU to all the cowards that keep trying to hold me back. @BellatorMMA Season 7 Tourney can’t come soon enough.
I will get back up.