War Machine’s Jail Blogs Season 2 Episode 8

War Machine (AKA Jon Koppenhaver) is back in jail for a 3 year old assault charge and just like his stint last year, he’s blogging from jail. We will be posting War Machine’s blogs with commentary in green. We wish him the best and poke fun with only good intentions.

WM Jail Blog Season 2 Episode 8

Man, no snacks sure does turn a week into a month in here. I can’t wait until I’m off restriction! What they serve us here just isn’t adequate, I’ve lost about 12 lbs., since my arrival 2 months ago. I’m calculating that we get about 20g of protein/day here and about 1500 calories, most of which is shit carbs and sugar. I’ve adjusted my sleeping schedule in order to avoid the hunger pangs though, feel better the last couple of days as a result. Anyway, these fuckers moved me yet again! When I asked why their answer was “to make space.” Make space for what? LOL! I’m in the hole, in a one-man-cell. Only other guys in the hole & assigned to one-man-cells can be in these rooms. They’re just fucking with me. I think they read my last blog and realized I liked it better in the older building, with the view of the Vegas strip, and decided to move me. When I got to my new cell they took my orange drinking cup and all but 2 of my books as well. Said we can only have 1 cup and 2 books in our cell at a time, ALL OF A SUDDEN. Interesting because they ISSUE each inmate a white cup when they get here and they SELL the orange cup (same size & shape) on our commissary list. Umm, if we all have a cup, and are only allowed 1, then why would they sell them at commissary? And in regards to oboks, not only have I been here for 2 months with multiple books in my cell and passed inspection every time, but I have received as many as 4 at one time in the mail, handed to me directly from the guard’s hands! LMAO! WTF?! In jail and on restriction, we are impressed. The weight loss could help in the long run, as long as it isn’t muscle. War Machine at 155 would be pretty crazy! Taking a man’s reading material is cruel and unusual punishment. Our penal system is majorly F23Ked up. 

So anyhow, I had to clean another gross cell and I missed laundry in the new module by 1 day, so I’m forced to wear the same clothes, not 1 week, but 2! So gross, fuckkk… haha. What can you do? I started to work out a bit, nothing crazy but just some shit to keep my strength up. I’m doing hand-stand push-ups on the wall (surprisingly difficult) and “airborn lunges.” The latter is basically a one-legged lunge, also tough. I’m also working my flexibility/balance so that I can ultimately do “pistols.” I couldn’t do them last time I was in jail, flexibility in my achilles tendons and back sucked! But while I was free I was doing front and overhead squats and they seem to have stretched me out. I’ll be able to do a pistol in the next couple of weeks. =) If some of you say “big deal,” ’cause you can do a zillion, I say “fuck you!” LOL. I’m an inflexible bastard, so it’s a big deal to me, it was never an issue of strength, always balance/flexibility. We hope all of you aspiring fighters reading this blog are sufficiently scared by jail and War Machine’s predicament to keep you hands in your pockets when some knucklehead want’s to try his hand at fighting a pro.  

Alright, so the last couple of books I read were pretty good. One was an autobiography about a Holocaust survivor, the title was “Alicia.” Fucking sad book, but filled with crazy/interesting stories, definitely worth a read. The other book was about the Civil War. If not for the issue of slavery, which was NOT the main reason for the war (contrary to what our gov. would like us to believe), I think it would have been way better in the long run, had the Confederacy won. Our federal gov. has gotten way too strong, which is exactly what the Founding Fathers wanted to prevent when they established this country. Anyway, another thing to trip on is how the North and the South, BOTH used the Bible to back up their stance on slavery. Fucking crazy how 2 people can read one book and come up with completely different interpretations. I’m no expert, but I’ve read the Bible, cover to cover, and found that it does condone slavery. Yes, in the New Testament too. Just one more reason why I think the religion of Christianity is garbage. In black and white, the New Test. condones slavery and oppresses women. Fuck an “interpretation,” if it’s “the work of God,” then it says exactly what “God” intended it to say. If you read it, and come up with anything other than what I just said, you’re lying to yourself. War Machine reads an eclectic array of books, don’t mistake anger for stupidity, the man is intelligent. We would give anything to hear War Machine and MC Hammer debate religion, Christianity especially. Oh Yeah! Our money is on War Machine. 

Oh, and another thing interesting was how much both the North and South hated/discriminated against Catholics! The Bible is twisted and USED in too many perverse ways. Even in the Holocaust book, “Alicia,” she talks about constantly being called “Christ Killer,” and spit on by all the Eastern European Christians, not just the Nazis, or the Germans, but the Poles, Ukrainians, Russians, Hungarians, and so on. And no, these aren’t example of Christians sinning, they are examples of Christians USING their religion as a weapon against innocent people. The main reason I’m bringing this up is because my grandmother wrote a letter to the jail Chaplain and he came to talk to me. Let me say, it was a very awkward experience. The guards took me from my cell and put me in a lil’ metal cage and said the Chaplain was gonna talk to me. My heart is pumping through my chest, imagining some type of horrible news about my family or friends. “Fuck, did my grandma die? Did Ryan get killed in Africa? Did my ex wife’s plane crash on her way back to Europe?” On and on I thought these things until he showed up and said that my grandma is worried that I’ve given up on life and that I need Jesus. LOL! I just read these 2 books and my views of the religion had just been further tainted and now I’m talking to this guy for 1/2 hour about “why I need Jesus.” FML! I don’t want to be rude, nor do I want to hear his excuses for Christianity, so I just listened and listened. He was a really nice guy, and hell, I have tons of great friends who believe all that crap. Anyway, I was glad when it was over. He gave me a Bible but I wasn’t about to make it one of the 2 books I’m allowed in my cell at any given time. Did anyone else expect a history lesson from a man in jail? Humans are amazing animals, amazing. Grandma’s rule. Best line today “I have tons of great friends who believe all that crap.” Priceless. Didn’t War Machine see Shawshank Redemption? The Bible is where you hide your escape tools. 

So anyway, there are a couple of cool cops that work my new module. I hate to say that because I know they’d still arrest me for breaking some “law,” that even they don’t believe in. Just doing their job right? So were the Gestapo. In a way though, cops are just as much victims of the system as us. They are a hated community of people, while most of them are just trying to feed their families. No one wants to arrest a father who killed the man that molested his kid, but for a buck any cop will. “It’s the law.” I say that cops are the biggest sheep of them all, brain-washed hypocrites. BTW, I never filed a report on that one coward of a cop that beat on that inmate. It doesn’t feel right to tell on someone, no matter how much I hate, I just couldn’t stoop to that level. I just wanna mind my own business and get back home and in the gym where I belong! Fuck the bullshit! Thanks for the continued support guys, I appreciate it! Many people feel the term ‘cool cops’ is an oxymoron. Comparing cops to the gestapo might not be the best decision considering your current location. Just sayin. Sheep, brain washed hypocrites, we see some real hardships in War Machine’s near future. Remember kids, don’t snitch. Keep your head up War Machine, this nightmare is almost over. 

I will get back up.

Jonathan Koppenhaver #2519422
Clark County Detention Center
330 S. Casino Center Blvd.
Las Vegas, NV 89101

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Booking # 0002519422